I stood at my stove, looking over at the breakfast that was almost ready for my family to eat and smiled. That was fun, and it didn’t take that long! I haven’t been strong enough to walk for a full day in a few months now. It was my first weekend morning making my family breakfast in - well, a long time. I was finishing flipping the last hexagon-shaped pancake that my 6-year-old daughter had requested we make for breakfast (she’d assigned herself cutting out the hearts, of course!) Almost immediately another thought entered my head. Why can’t it always be like this? Why can’t I do what other moms do? Just like that, the smile on my face turned to tears welling up in my eyes - happiness was now sadness.

‍

I’ve thought a lot over the years about how much I struggle to find joy in the life that God has given me. That struggle isn’t always against resentment, despair, or jealousy. Sometimes it’s a struggle to find joy instead of simple acceptance.

‍

By His grace, God has slowly given me eyes to see His goodness faster. In painful seasons, it’s gotten easier to be thankful for the hard things that help me to grow…but to find joy in those things? That’s been the rub.

‍

While I think there are certainly times when it’s okay (and even appropriate) to lament over the brokenness of the world, our bodies, our situation - my personal tendency is probably to sit in that side too long. 

‍

While finishing up breakfast, another thought: Why did you do that? When you’re living the easy day - why let the day you aren’t living right now steal your joy??? 

‍

It struck me that the difference in feeling joy and thankfulness in the moment and feeling sadness and loss was a matter of perspective - and maybe even more than that, a matter of expectation. If I expect to be in a wheelchair every day, standing in the kitchen on a random Saturday morning is a surprise gift…if I expect to be healthy every day, standing in the kitchen is me getting what I deserve. Ouch! …Deserve…

‍

How often is our expectation - our perspective - the difference between joy and pride? Between irritation and thankfulness? Between worshipping the God of the universe who sits on His throne and putting ourselves on the throne of our hearts?

‍

If I’m a sinner in need of grace and deserving of the consequences of my sin, every good and perfect gift that comes from above is exactly that - a gift to be enjoyed and received with gratitude. 

‍

If I’m a good person who does good things, those same good gifts are now just expected.

‍

Good gifts like pancakes on “fancy” plates. Like sitting down for a family breakfast on a random Saturday. Like walking to the stove to make myself a hot cup of tea (and coming back to the table without wondering if it will spill all over my lap.)

‍

‍